User blog:ShodaiGoro/An Important Update

Greetings.

It has been a while since I have said much here, despite how much I have wanted to make a formal return for months now. Indeed, this is still the case, and I do not want to simply be quiet forever. I must, however, post this update for you all, and give you insight onto my absence, as well as some fairly recent drama which I have remained quiet on for the past two or three months.

I shall split these into three sections, and we will go from there.

On My Emotional and Mental Health
For the past few years, I have had a depression of sorts, which has been steadily growing worse and worse. Between the passing of my beloved father, the pseudo-war against a certain someone here, and having lost plenty of friends here for a multitude of reasons, both including the aforementioned someone, and due to my own faults, I have steadily lost the drive to do the things I enjoy. To make matters worse, my personal life offline has become rather toxic, for reasons I will not get into due to privacy.

Even if you did not know of my depression, you have seen the effects. I have slowly become less and less active, participating more and more rarely, and speaking less and less. Despite my desire to keep playing a part here, I cannot muster enough drive to actually do much right now. I will make attempts to seek help on my own time, but for now, my depression and anxiety have reached a potential all-time low.

On Flaredragon00
A month or two ago, Flare decided, due to personal issues with me, to go, unannounced, and cut all ties with me. Sometime later, she posted a blog post, reportedly explaining why she made her decision. Despite this, I have, until now, said nothing about the matter except to only close friends, but I feel now is the time to make a formal statement on the matter. However, before I continue, I must reaffirm, this is a personal matter, not an official matter. I urge you to make your own conclusions, even if said conclusions aren’t what you’d think I want out of you.

Some may note that I said her blog post “reportedly” explained, and note how this is odd wording. However, I must come clean and say it: I have chosen to not read her blog post, and have requested that those who have not relay the contents to me. While under normal circumstances, this would be unreasonable, I feel I must give my side of the story, and hopefully give a more complete version of the affair without any bias, either from her, or me. When this incident officially started, I had not spoken to Flare in a while. The last thing I remember saying to her was asking her opinion on a rather divisive show Crunchyroll was marketing and funding. By the time I had discovered she had blocked me, it had been weeks since I asked this, and I didn’t see a problem with me asking about the show. At no point do I recall her formally approaching me about me wronging her in any way, and I can unfortunately only speculate on what I did to cause this.

However, what I doubt she told you is that she coerced her friends, most notably Kyuzeth, a good friend of mine who I was rather close with, to follow her example and block me without so much as a word. Indeed, I had to get another friend of mine to get her to explain, and her terms were rather vague on why she did this, claiming that I was “not a good friend” and other general statements that did not enlighten me. Either way, I had the friend relay a “no hard feelings” message to her, but I must admit, between the loss of a good friend of mine and the fact I can only speculate on what happened, I do not feel so forgiving towards her. To make matters worse, Gojiran, against my wishes, attempted to negotiate peace with her and me, but to no avail, and she was rather rude to him, not being 100% honest with him and responding to his wishes with half-hearted “maybe”s or “we’ll see”s.

Nonetheless, I must now give my theory to what even happened to cause this all. While I cannot be certain, as there were little to no incidents that happened recently before this all started, I do believe this started over my admittedly poor reaction to the Sou Vaga plot.

You all probably know what went down there. Godzilla and some other kaiju travel to a new island that just so happens to exist off the coast of Monster Island and fight a Ghidorah-Destroyah hybrid. Now, I could give my criticisms on the plot and highlight many of the more ludicrous elements, but that’s not the point of me bringing this up.

The climax of the story involves Godzilla being killed by the hybrid. Now, obviously, this should be a big deal no matter the quality, but one must consider the circumstances I was in to understand what happened next. By this point, me and a few other users were unimpressed by the writing for a variety of reasons. It is also worth noting another character (either Manda or Gaira, I’m banking on the former, but I forgot and would love to be corrected if I’m wrong on this) had already been killed off, and I had owned Godzilla before Goldn, before I gave it to him as I felt I was just sitting on the character.

Now, what I just said, do not take as a justification. What I did next was incredibly harsh, stupid, and I would personally call a tantrum.

I attempted to contain my anger. I could feel my heart beating like it was trying to jump out of my ribcage. I was not only angry, but unnaturally angry, angrier than I should ever be, angrier than reasonable, angrier than would be reasonable if this event happened a hundred times in a row.

I proceeded to get passive-aggressive, like a pot trying to hold in boiling water by leaking enough to flood the kitchen. It devolved into me practically frothing at the mouth, doing everything short of insulting them outright and using my power to do things Titan would’ve done in such a position. By the end, I had basically wrecked the entire story, and had forced Goldn to surrender Godzilla.

What I did was stupid. What I did should be proof that I am no perfect human, even if I’ve fought off not one, but two tyrants. I feel to this day horrible about it, and I am unsure if I had apologized back then to Goldn, and while I think I did later on, I cannot be sure, and if he sees this, he can consider this an apology.

Flare, however, I do not recall ever apologizing to. Maybe I did once, but it never clicked with her, and she never let it go, but if I hadn’t, then it was a terrible mistake for me to not do so. However, the above apology, I am unsure if I will extend to her, after the things she has done. I may apologize on the blue moon chance she ever approaches me in peace, but knowing her, I might as well be dead to her, and I can’t say I’d be surprised if I’m right on the money; why apologize to people if they’ll never believe you and accept it? Indeed, even in such an instance, given who she took from me, I do not want to be her friend anymore.

Nonetheless, even if I do not feel compelled to play nice with her, there are things I, by my honor, feel obliged to do.

On the Temporary Abolishment of the Dual Chairman System
I have decided, with the intense emotional stress, and with my history of foolish and rash moves, to go into talks with Gojiran about a temporary halt to the usual system. I whatever power I keep for the time being will at the very least be bellow Gojiran, and it shall be this way until I, he, and the people all agree that I both deserve to be one of the two leaders, and have the emotional health to carry out my responsibilities. While he and the people may be still believe in me, I certainly do not at this moment, and feel my inactivity has been an issue. A stronger and more just leader is needed, and for the time being, I am neither strong enough, nor just enough to carry the power.

I will hopefully become more active soon. Take care, comrades.